* The Jewish Years
* The Abortion
As my life goes by:
As I got older, but not wiser, I put the search for God aside and found myself in the era of sex, drugs & rock n’ roll! Boy, did I partake, but the only drug I used was pot, however. This part of my life has a lot of crazy things that are all true. Believe it.
I was pretty much on my own, given that I lived with my Dad, and it was just the both of us. My Dad had two jobs: one was traveling and the other I did; watching over this upscale apartment building where we resided. It was a small building that boasted an elevator, that never worked.
I was fifteen years old when I met my future husband, Frank. He was a full-time visitor at the apartment next door. My best friend would constantly be there, since it was her boyfriend’s apartment. Very cozy. Frank was the reason I stopped frequenting the place. I found him strange at first, because he took “shy” to a whole new level. Frank would go to great lengths not to talk to me or look me in the eye. It made me feel uncomfortable.
He would frequently look at me when I was not watching. Disturbing. Consequently, I thought that this guy does not like me. However, nothing was further from the truth.
In order to see my friends, I had no choice but to engage Frank openly in conversation and soon we were talking, but still no eye contact. I did not even know what color eyes he had! My friends next door insisted that he had a crush on me, and I would not believe it.
This is how it got going:
One day my friend and I were sitting in Frank’s car because he was giving us a ride somewhere. She was in the passenger seat, and I sat behind her. We were just talking, when my girlfriend unexpectedly grabbed Frank and started kissing him, I mean deep kissing. I was mortified, and a little jealous, which took me by surprise. Subsequently, he pulled away from her and got under the car. Looking back now, I find it odd, but back then I did not give it a second thought.
She then decided to exit the car and Frank got back in. Then I moved up to the passenger seat. When Frank turned to look at me, his hair was messed up and there was lipstick all over his face, but I found it cute. Frank was a blue-eyed blonde and very good-looking. However, getting back to being bullied, his parents, thought I was not pretty enough.
It was at this point that my future husband put his arms around me and kissed me gently. Now, I ask myself , “What happened to this kind, sensitive man.” It makes me cry, even now, because that would be the last vestiges of this human being.”
Frank was 19 and I was fifteen. I soon fell in love with him, When we were together, we would make-out, and talk about sex, what else? It was so funny, I confessed that I was a virgin and Frank said, “So am I.”
Frank and I enjoyed smoking pot and before long, I was not a virgin anymore. Consequently, thoughts of God went right out the window. Hormones took His place. I realize that this is an old story, but what happens to me next is not ordinary.
Frank started taking heavier drugs, like “acid, etc.”, and I wanted no part of it! Hence, new girlfriend, new apartment. He actually asked to date me too! Didn’t he get it? Well I guess not, because my love for him was shattered for good. Really, it never came back. Sad. I, by no means would trust another man again, famous last words. If only I realized that God could be trusted and that I should have continued my search.
He came back to me a few months later, when I was still vulnerable. I caved. I just wanted a friend I could have sex with. Selfish and very irresponsible. Consequently, I got pregnant. Now, I was stupid, but not stupid enough not to take birth control pills. What was up with that?
I told my parents that their worst nightmare had come true! I informed them not to worry, because I had everything under control. This was because I had an apartment and a job. I wanted to stay single in the worst way and bring the baby up myself. I had plenty of practice since I was the oldest of four children, whom I diapered, dressed, fed, the works. Moreover, I was not going to marry a man I did not love, but watch out, the heart is treacherous.
Now you will see the real Frank:
He stalked me and rang my doorbell all hours of the night. He would do this constantly to ask me to marry him. My friends were all for the marriage, but they did not know the real Frank. Nonetheless, it was my girlfriends that told me I could not take care of a baby and work. I was only seventeen and they asked me where was I going to live? Where would I get the money. I figured Frank had some monetary imput, he made tons more money than I did. However, that route bothered me because then he would always be in my life. There was so much pressure from all sides, even though they all knew I did not love him.
Well, Frank wanted a family and he said we would bring the baby up together. That we would be a family the way we used to talk about it. I thought, well he’s comfortable enough. Boy, was I immature! I very reluctantly caved in and ultimately said I would marry him.
I had just turned eighteen the last week in January and I was seven weeks pregnant. The law at the County’s Office said we had to wait two weeks. That two weeks landed right on February 14th, Valentine’s Day. What a joke! I found an off-white dress. No white for a pregnant woman. And as I did my my “I will’s” , I was oblivious to what was going on and focused on the seven week baby in my stomach. Everyone in the car was talking , and as I tried to join in, my thoughts were of my baby and that made me feel warm.
When everyone left my tiny studio apartment, Frank’s voice changed and it was very soft, he said, “Debbie, you are going to have, to have that abortion.” as you can imagine, my mind tumbled into darkness, and when Frank shook me awake, if looks could kill….
He started telling me why and I was so numb, I didn’t hear him. He went on and on, so I yelled, “alright, I’ll get the abortion!” Did I say that? Then he went home to his parents. They knew nothing, he was such a coward.
I was devastated, more than that, I had no feeling. The numbness was always there, ’til the day he died. Subsequently, we went to Brooklyn, NY, where abortions were legal. As we passed the Watchtower building I took no note, but I would later be entangled with them for fifteen years. Who knew? But that comes later. I was like a robot, the doctor told me where to go and what to do. I followed the nurse quietly. soon, it was over and I killed my firstborn.
On the long way home, I cried, not outwardly, just tears running down my face. I did not want to engage in conversation, I just prayed.
Now I was getting a divorce! Big words. After a while Frank persuaded me to live a married life, and guess what? I got pregnant! It was only two months after the abortion, and no one was taking this baby from me! Frank had no choice but to acquiesce.
Now it gets even stranger:
The date of the abortion sticks with me. It is still fresh on my mind. At any rate, my son was born at the end of January. We decided that when I was well enough for company, we would have a little party at our house, inviting both grandparents and great -grandparents. Well, it turns out that his was definitely the center of attention. I don’t know why, but I was very surprised at the reaction of everyone. The flashes of the polaroids were blinding. Frank’s parents did not know that I had had the abortion, but mine did.
He really was a beautiful baby with a temperament to match! He had green eyes and blonde hair. After desert, my Mom taps me on the shoulder and asks to speak to me, alone, in the bedroom. As soon as she shut the door, she said, “You’d better sit down.” Now take note, that we are still in the “Jewish Years,” in life experience, so we were still Jewish at the time. She had a big smile on her face when she hands me a picture she had taken a little while ago, with her polaroid. I was beyond words! In the picture, Frank is holding the baby up for a better photo shot. There it was, a white, bright, angelic type of cross on his forehead. I could not figure it out and while I was contemplating the meaning of it, Mom asked me to turn it over, and then the chills took over. It was the anniversary, (if you can it that), of the abortion I had the year before. Could it have been a coincidence?
My in-laws, who were Roman Catholic, took one look at the picture and said he looked like an angel. Of course they would say that, with this big blazing white cross on his face! My mother-in-law took it to the photo shop, where they had those “red” rooms, this was in ‘1973 folks. When she went back and the two men in the white coats came out to explain that they had no idea what is was Later, I wanted those men in the white coats to take me away! However, they did discern that it was NOT the reflection of any kind and we were all baffled. That is all I know.
Take anything away from this part of my life story: Pot; sex; pregnancy; and abortions. You will not escape the memory of killing your child. There are so many couples out there that want and need children.
I am sorry, am I preaching again???